Atonement Read online

  John was staring at me with a confident expression. “Reese, can we go inside, please?” He motioned for the door.

  “Oh yes, I’m sorry. Of course,” I said, realizing we were still standing in the hall, and I was still swaying a bit.

  I quickly unlocked the door, walking in to our small dorm room. I noticed John looking all around, taking in how I lived here on campus.

  “I bet you never had to live in a dorm, did you John?” I was sure with all of his family’s money that he had a plush apartment from the beginning when he was in college.

  “Actually, I did the first year.” He grinned that gorgeous grin of his, “I wanted the whole experience.”

  “Oh,” was all I could say.

  He was staring at me again. “I can’t get over seeing you now Reese. I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. Can we sit here?” He motioned to the bed. There wasn’t any other option for ‘sitting’ anyway. The room was very small with two beds taking up most of the space.

  “Um, Okay.” I said, looking shyly at him. I was still very much feeling the tequila.

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the bed to sit down. Turning our knees in to each other, we sat, him holding my hands. He had the sweetest smile.

  “John, I…I can’t believe you’re here now. I’ve thought about you a lot…I wondered how you were…” I was looking at his beautiful face, his smile vanished completely. In its place was a smoldering look. He reached up and ran the back of his hand lightly down my cheek. I closed my eyes at the feeling I had from that sensitive touch. When I opened them again he was inches closer to my face. His fingers were trembling.

  “Reese, you don’t know what it does to me to know I’ve been on your mind even a little. I wake up thinking of you, and go to sleep dreaming of you.” His eyes were glistening, obviously threatening to tear up. “Ahhh Reese, what you do to me.”

  I wasn’t sure what to feel. I was sitting here on my bed with my gorgeous, beach god, John. What would Tate think? Before I could argue or reason with myself, John’s lips were on mine. Tenderly, softly, he pressed his lips to mine. He let out a contented sigh. I gasped, my eyes widening…but only for a brief second. Then I pressed my lips back toward his. It was as if he melted at the idea of me kissing him back. He must have thought I would back away. Should I…back away? I was no longer in control. My heart was racing, my head spinning. Who was I kidding, I had feelings for John, I always had, but in the past, Tate had trumped those. But now…now all of a sudden I was torn.

  Our kiss seemed to last forever. He reached around, placing his hands down low, at the small of my back. He pulled us a little closer together. The heat from our breaths and our lips touching had us vapor-locked. Then he gently opened my mouth with his tongue, causing me to let out a low moan. Our tongues touching became very sensual, and oh so quickly. He put his hand underneath my hair to pull my neck and the rest of my body even closer. Then he pulled me down on the bed with him. Our breathing erratic and quick, my senses were firing from every angle. What was happening? What was I allowing to happen?

  “Oh God Reese.”

  “John,” I whispered.

  “Hmmm” he said. “This. Is. Utterly breathtaking,” he said between kisses. He was nearly consuming my lips, my neck, my earlobes. He couldn’t get enough. I was so turned on by him just being here, and so enamored with his lust for me at the moment.

  “John,” I brought my hands to his chest, pushing back slightly, then letting our foreheads touch. With my eyes closed, trying to calm my breathing and my heart rate. I said “Hey…we need to slow down. What are we doing?”

  John kept his eyes closed. HIS breathing and heart rate was out of control. “We are doing what we should have done all along. Reese…I need you. If only just to lie here with you…I need you.” He said as he was still lying beside me. My face in his hands, our foreheads still together, his body pressing up against mine.

  Once it seemed he was calming down, I swallowed hard. “John, let’s just take it slow ok? I’m so glad to see you, but…I…I don’t really know what’s going on with Tate and me. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Listen, I have missed you,” I raised my eyes to meet his…his look was one of pain and worry. “But, I can’t be with you, not now, not… yet.” John’s expression relaxed and he had a cute grin on his face.

  “I’m sorry Reese. I didn’t mean to lose it tonight. I just couldn’t control myself. I have wanted…no I have needed you since last summer. I couldn’t wait to touch you, to kiss you.” He let out a deep breath, “I can’t believe we’re here like this.”

  I paused for a long moment before I spoke. “The truth is I don’t think we should…be here like this.” I moved my eyes up and down between us. “I still don’t know how all of this happened so quickly…you showing up right when I got home, and the exact night I left Tate,” (or whatever it is we did…Oh God, did we break up?). Now John must have noticed the pain and confusion in my eyes.

  “Reese, it’s okay. I won’t rush you. I just wanted you to know that I was here for you. I knew you would be upset and heartbroken.” Then he gently lifted my chin with his hand, “I want to always be here for you, even if I’m not what you really wanted…at first.”

  “Oh John, why do you do this to yourself? I don’t get you. There is no way you should be waiting around for me!” My voice was starting to escalate. “You are much too good for that. I was sure someone else had snatched you up by now. You…you are the hottest bachelor I know.” I grabbed his hand and pulled it up to my cheek, rubbing his hand with my thumb. “It makes me so sad to think you’re wasting your precious happiness waiting on me.”

  “Please Reese, don’t worry about me.” He took a deep breath “I’ve been so completely consumed with my father’s corporation, that I haven’t had time for anything else.”

  “But you leave all of that at a drop of a hat to come and be here for me?” I don’t get it. My expression had to be one of mixed confusion.“I know Elle had to tell you. I’m not sure what to think of that. But so quickly, you two had this worked out?” I was still putting the pieces together. “I guess she kept me drinking and eating long enough at Sushi Hut to give you time to get here?” I was looking at him now, he was seemingly guilty. “What would you have done if Tate had been here waiting on me?”

  He gave me a sheepish grin. “Maybe I know where Tate is…and that he wouldn’t be here.”

  I was studying the facts with my foggy brain, trying to sort through the events of the day. Then it dawned on me. “Oh good grief, Elle had Finn keep him occupied didn’t she?”

  “More like I asked her to talk Finn into taking him out for a drink so he wouldn’t be tempted to come find you.” He was holding his breath, waiting on my response.

  “What!” I started to reach for my phone. I was going to give Elle a piece of my mind…again. How dare she and John play with my life like this? True, I didn’t want to see Tate right now, at all. But, I also didn’t want what happened between us to be orchestrated by a meddling friend.

  John reached over firmly holding the hand that secured my phone. “Reese, we both care deeply for you. I’ve told you, I want to know you’re okay. I had literally just texted Elle by pure chance right after your phone call with her. I don’t know if she was shocked by Tate’s reactions, or by the timing of my text, but she told me about Lauren and Tate…”

  Oh God, the way my stomach pinched when he said that. Tate…why did you do this? I started to cry. I was hurt and angry and emotionally overwhelmed with John lying here in my bed. “I’m sorry John, I’m just upset. My life has changed so…quickly, and so…drastically. I can’t believe he would abuse my trust like that.”

  John didn’t say a word. He just rubbed my back, pulling me closer to him. I put my head in the crook of his neck and wept.

  “Reese, I’m here. It’s okay to cry. I don’t like to see you hurting though…it breaks my heart. Shhh. Just relax okay.” Between the crying and the tequila, I was spent. I
must have drifted off to sleep. I’m sure the shots further induced my slumber.

  woke with a start. Completely disoriented, feeling a warm, firm body beside of me, I said “Tate, what happened?” Then I pulled back and saw the soft glow of light accentuating John’s features. Oh no, what did we…? A quick look at the covers made me realize we were fully clothed. His arms were still tight around me. I leaned up and over John to look at the clock…2 am. We had only been asleep a short while. Then I realized what had awoken me. Elle had unlocked the door, and was just walking in.

  Flipping on a lamp, my eyes met hers. She gasped, and stepping closer to me she quickly realized I now had daggers in mine.

  “Reese, are you okay? I tried to text you and call you. You must have had your phone on vibrate,” she said, trying to ignore the steam rolling out of my ears.

  I carefully eased out of John’s embrace as he was beginning to stir. “How dare you set this all up, Elle? Why don’t you ever share any of yours and John’s conversations with me?”

  Before she could answer, John sat up on his elbows looking amazingly gorgeous; his dark hair tussled just perfectly. Great, even beach god was hot with bed head. “Is everything okay? I’m sorry I fell asleep Reese. I think your breathing lulled me into it.” He gave the sweetest grin.

  “It’s okay John. I was just talking with Elle about how much I love how she takes care of me.” I seethed at the last part, looking straight at her.

  She blurted out how much she loved me, and how she was just trying to help us both. Then she looked at John and told how she didn’t mean to rat my problems out, but that John could be so persuasive!

  I looked at John with a raised eyebrow “guilty” he said. “I have to know daily that you’re okay,” he said with a sly grin.

  Uhhh, here we go again! “Daily? Elle, he has texted you daily and you haven’t said a word to me. We’re in to March now for goodness sake. What were you thinking?”

  “I uh,” Her eyes darted all around our bedroom, “got to go to the bathroom,” and with that she grabbed her cosmetics bag and literally leaped out of the room on her way to the community bathroom.

  John and I looked at each other then. I knew I had to look awful. He reached up, stroking my cheek and like he could read my mind said, “Damn Reese, you are so beautiful. I am so lucky to be here with you…spending time with you. I knew it would happen eventually, but I’m so thankful it’s happening now.”

  I was no longer buzzing from the tequila shots. I did have a headache though. Rolling out of the bed to grab a bottle of water, I wasn’t sure how to respond to John. A few moments of silence must have made him uncomfortable.

  “Reese, please talk with me. I want to know what’s in that pretty little head of yours.”

  Seriously, my brain was bogged down with confusion and pain, and not just from the shots either. “John, I don’t know where to begin. I’m so hurt and angry right now. This, you and me, shouldn’t be happening, at least not now.” I barely looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He was so gorgeous and his expressions so sincere, Uhhh why was my life all scrambled yet again.

  He quickly stood to come toward me. Lifting my chin with his finger, he gazed in my eyes. Crap, why did my heart flutter at just the sight of him? It’s like he could see right through me. His blue eyes always found a way to pierce my heart, over and over.

  “I don’t want you to feel pushed Reese. I know you have a lot to work through. I told you I would always be here and I will be. I’ll give you space though, but only because I feel that’s what you want. If I had my way, I would sweep you off of your feet and we would go away together…I could make you forget all of your troubles Reese.” He said these words inches from my face, my lips. My body was shaking at the realization of John being here and taking care of me. I could only imagine what he would do for me…to me.

  I looked down at his lips and then up at his eyes again…oh no that was a mistake. There was no denying the fact that I had real attraction and feelings for John. But, I couldn’t act now, not yet. My heart still belonged to Tate. And that thought alone made it squeeze tight with pain.

  “John,” I said gently holding him back with my hands against his chest. Dang, even that gave me chills all over, the feel of his skin behind his thin shirt. “We can’t…the truth is I need to find out what’s going on with Tate and me before I do anything I might regret.”

  I could tell that hurt him, the fact that anything we could do would be a regret later had to cut him down.

  I looked deeper into his eyes, “You have to know by now, that you mean so much to me.” I said. “I’m sad that you’re waiting for me, the thought of your loneliness hurts.” Stepping a little closer I grabbed his shirt in my hands, “but I would be lying if I said it didn’t excite me to know how much you care, John. I care too, more than I should have for the last few months. In a way it wasn’t fair, my heart is a bit divided.” I looked away for a second. I suddenly felt like I was betraying Tate. Then like an electrical shock I remembered how he recently betrayed me. “I…”

  John quickly cut me off “Don’t say anything Reese.” Then hugging me tightly he whispered in my ear. “I’ll give you time to sort this out. When you’re ready to see me again, text or call me…PLEASE. I promise if I don’t hear from you soon though, I’ll come back to see you, ready or not.”

  Of course, I knew what he spoke to be true. If he hadn’t given up in the last few months, he wasn’t about to give up now that Tate and I were in trouble. I squeezed him tighter, then I pushed back, looking again in his eyes. I nodded, with tears flowing. I wasn’t sure why, the thought of him leaving, the thought of Tate and I ending, or just because my emotions were running so…crazy! He wiped a tear away, and hugging me once more he said “I love you Reese”. Then he turned and left without looking back.

  I sank to the floor unable to say a word.

  Within a few minutes Elle returned. The sight of her snapped me back to my earlier emotion…anger. I was boiling over with it instantly. I felt betrayed by everyone closest to me, except my parents of course. But Tate and Elle, both lying and keeping me in the dark…I was suddenly not only angry, but devastated. I wasn’t sure what to do…I had never had an argument that lasted longer than a few moments with Elle, but I wasn’t about to give in to this one.

  “Reese, is John already gone?” asked Elle.

  “Why ask? I’m sure you already know Elle,” I spit those words out like venom. “Surely you’ve already received your daily text from him telling you he left.”

  How dare she even ask? I’m SO over her controlling my love life and not letting me know what she and John were saying about me. More than anything, I was devastated at the loss of loyalty from Elle.

  “Reese, I’m sorry. I thought after last summer you were okay with me texting John. I wouldn’t have if I thought you didn’t want me too.”

  “That’s a load of crap Elle! How could you possibly think you keeping John up to date on me daily for over SIX MONTHS would be okay? That is…ridiculous, absurd, callous, uncaring…just…how could you!?!”

  “I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t be mad.” She was all of a sudden pleading with me.

  “I feel…so used…and…and…betrayed. Even if you didn’t actually lie, you abused my trust.” I was now sobbing. “You were supposed to be my best friend Elle. Now…now I have no best friend, and no boyfriend I can trust. I’m lost. How could you?”

  I left. I didn’t wait for her response. She ran after me, but I was so upset, I didn’t listen to her, or respond to her when she called my name. Getting to the parking lot, I realized again it was after 2 am and my jeep was still at the restaurant, so I ran toward the next commons area. I ran hard, and ran smack dab into Tate!

  eese! Where have you been? I saw your jeep at the Sushi Hut, but you were nowhere inside. What the hell? Why haven’t you answered my calls or texts? I’ve been going crazy!” His clothes were disheveled, his face and neck red. He looked a hot me
ss.

  I just stared at him. No response necessary. What did he think I would have done?

  “Talk to me Reese. Please.” He was beginning to cry. “I’m so sorry. I love you, please. I wasn’t thinking about Lauren driving a wedge between us. I…I really was trying not to involve you in any of this…” He took his baseball cap off and was running his hands through his hair.

  “Are you freaking kidding me? That’s exactly what I meant by you putting baseball ahead of US! Of course you didn’t mean to involve me in it. If it were up to you, you would have never told me about you and Lauren. Did you sleep with her again Tate? Because right now, I’m thinking you would do anything for your baseball career.” I turned to walk back the other direction, upset and fuming at Tate.

  “Reese, of course not, I mean, I uh… I just spent a little time with her…it was innocent! I wouldn’t let her…”

  “Damn it Tate!” he was stuttering, so clearly he was hiding something. “Well screw you Tate Justice. I don’t want to see you again, do you hear me? I’m over us. I’m over your…everything.” I whispered the last part. I was sure about this. I wasn’t about to be a part of this, whatever this was. I wanted out. I wouldn’t be with Tate with these secrets. I wouldn’t stand for anymore lies. “Don’t worry about me Tate. I will have someone to take care of me, just like you do. Our pasts can come in handy in unison.”

  “What…you…John? No Reese. Don’t do this…PLEASE!.” He was begging.

  “You lost that possessive control of yours the minute you lied, and snuck behind my back Tate. You don’t own me.” Again, I whispered, “I’m no longer yours.” The last part came out cracked up. Never did I think I would say those words to Tate.

  He was whispering now too, his face pale and his eyes distant, “you don’t mean this Reese, please give me a chance to gain back your trust…please Reese.” He dropped to his knees, grabbing my legs like I was a life vest. “I can’t live without you Reese. I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you.”